All Going Well Does not Mean that Everything Is Right on Track


You know autumn season, there are sings and songs written, movies are shot, books are written on behalf of it.

Briefly, autumn smells romance in whirls, you know. Why does a season which leaves are falling and all the  beauty is gone trigger love? Or is love to go to pieces somewhere in the depths of mind for the humanbeing.

In the autumn like that; while many people writes “unlimited coffee, books” on their instagram accounts and again many people from this world but actually not in the same world starts to think “how are we going to be able to get warm this winter.” I read my favorite book again while sitting on my torn armchair, which ı bought from a junk dealer, in a room which its every corner smells screams in whirls and its walls are covered in a black velvety fabric, lighted by the dim red lights coming out of the two corners of the room, starting to resemble to a night club just it was supposed to be a dungeon.

While a pair of hands with gracious fingers was wandering on my shoulders aethereally, was keeping track of the line that I was reading out of the corner of her eye, when there was just one line to the end of the page, she stopped massaging, leaning down by pressing her breasts on my shoulder to leaf through and went back to massage again.

Not just the book, she was following everything perfectly, for example, when there was two sips to finish my tea, she would go to kitchen to bring more as quiet as an elf and would go back to my shoulders again.

I was just about to close my book and lean to put it on the table, she caught it on air and put it on a stack quietly, she asked permission and kneeled just beside my feet.

It was almost the last times of the end of the second year in the relationship, and I neither tied her up, humiliated her, nor used violence anymore. She became a perfect slave and she took the rightful pride in secretly.

She just looked at my face and like a well-trained dog which loves its owner ready for commands.

-Would you like to drink coffee, Sir?

I do not like coffee and she knows it, so she actually does not ask a question like that, something was not right.


She was a calm girl but her behaviours at that moment were not calm, she was glancing away time to time, she was turning her head to the insignificant spots of the room in a manner she was looking for something that she has lost.

-Are you going to tell me something?

-No, Sir.

Well, she said she would not but you know, “no” is not always a no, however, ı did not persist, she knew I would listen to hear no matter what she would say. Just at the moment I was going to take my phone and spend some time surfing on the internet, she took a deep breath.

-I want to give birth to your child.

She said and exhaled.

I was quiet, she looked at me. Yet, I talked about it in the beginning, she knew my thoughts and there was no sense to repeat them. So, I was quiet for a while and all the leaves came down meanwhile.

It was fall but an end at the same time. I realize at that moment that autumn does not directly trigger love or romance, it triggers walking away, endings and of course, when unsignificant people walk away, it does not leave a mark in our memories. We recall the emotions that we felt with lovely people. Some of us get emotional and find the miracle in fall.

Oh, what happend? It lasted a while but on that day, we both actually knew that it ended already.


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İlişkilerimde zihinsel ve fiziksel dominasyonun olması gerektiğini düşünen biriyim. 2008-2009 yıllarından bu yana BDSM içerikli ilişkiler kuruyorum. Birçoğunuz gibi, ben de dışarıda bu yönünü belli etmeyenlerdenim. Yaşadığımız toplum, çıplak heykellere taşlar ve sopalarla saldıran bir toplum maalesef, anlamalarını beklememiz en iyi ihtimalle aptallık olur.